When I'm With Him (Ryker)

Soundtrack - It'll make sense later on... promise lol.

“He won’t fuck me!”

“Umm…ok…” I stopped in my tracks, as Lola shouted at me. I was teetering between the living room and the hallway, watching Lola as she crossed her arms over her chest plopping down onto the couch with a huff. “I assume we’re talking about Pat here…?” I asked slowly as I finally completed my trek into the den, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table so that I could face her properly.

“Like… at all! Why doesn’t he want to Ryker?” She whined, falling off the couch into my lap. “What did I do?”

“Maybe he likes men.”

“Ugh!” She gave me a hard slap on the arm before sitting back on the couch. “Don’t even joke like that… do you think I disgust him?”

“Lola…”

“No really! I mean, he must think I’m nauseating… he could have any woman in the world, why a stupid stripper?”

“Lola, don’t say that!” I sighed, moving over to wrap my arms around her shoulders. “He like you a lot, I can tell… maybe he’s just nervous…” I heard her sigh as she leaned into me, apparently unconvinced.

“Well at least one of us is getting some… Adam just can’t keep his hands off you, can he?”

“Ugh… yah…” I groaned, flopping down on the couch. “Well… truth be told, I’m not actually ‘getting some’…”

“What?!” Lola screamed, jumping up and staring at me with disbelief. “That boy is all over you… all the time.”

“I know…” I exhaled softly. How was I suppose to explain something to Lola, that I didn’t understand myself.

She sat back down, taking on a more serious tone. “You don’t like him?”

Shrugging, I tilted my head to look her in the eye. “I don’t know… I mean, he’s nice, and funny-”

“-and sweet, and cute, and rich, and amazing in bed, plus he’s totally in love with you… but…?”

“But…” I shook my head. “No buts… he’s great.” Lola smiled at me encouragingly. I tried to return the gesture, but it came out more as a grimace, and I pushed myself off the couch, heading into the kitchen.

There has to be something wrong with me… Lola’s right… everything she said is right, but… all wrong at the same time. Adam was all of those things, and more. Over the past little while I’d seen the kind of person he is; but it wasn’t enough. Selfishly enough, I still couldn’t stop thinking about Jon.
I wanted to want Adam; everything would be so easy if I could just make my stupid head and my stupid heart call out for him - but they wouldn’t.

“Hello, hello!” I heard Adam’s voice callout from the living room.

“Hey you… she’s in the kitchen.” Lola said, turning her attention back to the TV.

I stood by the sink as Adam came around the corner, grinning broadly as his eyes found me. “Hey beautiful…” He whispered softly, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me against him roughly.

“Hey…” I said back, plastering a smile on my face before his lips crashed down on mine.
I tried to relax against him, allowing him to rub his hands across my back; sighing into the kiss. I felt fake though; like he should be able to see right through me, but he couldn’t. I tried to make up with my lack of feeling by putting pressure behind my kiss.
Apparently it worked too well. In his exuberance, Adam lifted me off the ground and sat me on the counter. His hands pulled my thighs wide, allowing himself to lean up against the counter, trapping me between his body and the wall. “Adam…” I said softly, trying to push him away from me. “Lola’s home.”

“She doesn’t care.” He grunted, moving his lips down to my neck.

“Adam, we can’t.” I said more firmly, pushing against him with more force this time. He pulled back, looking at me with a small smile.

“Yah… you’re right. Later” He said with a wink, pulling me off the counter.




Ok start liking him… now! I furrowed my brow in concentration as I stared at Adam next to me. “Geesh baby doll, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” He started to laugh as he pulled me against his side, returning his attention to Kaner; who was sitting across from us.

“Holy crap! Is that Tazer… coming into a bar by his own free will?” Adam called suddenly, his eyes focusing across the crowded room. I followed the direction he was facing; sure enough Jonny was walking across the room towards us, Sharpie behind him.

“Hey guys.” He called with a grin as Sharpie shrugged behind him. He sat down on the chair next to me, giving me a small lopsided smile before turning around to chat with the other guys around the table.
Everyone seemed surprise by the fact that Jon was there; but no one questioned it. There was an understood authority that surrounded him, hoisting him above the questions of others.

It was hard trying to keep my eyes away from him as I felt Adam’s arm shifting on my shoulder. It didn’t matter where my eyes looked anyway; Adam wasn’t paying attention to me - but Jon was. “So… this is going good?” He asked, wagging his finger between Adam and I.

“Umm… good.” I nodded slowly, giving him a small smile as I leaned towards him. “How are things with you?” He didn’t answer with words; he only nodded slightly, looking away. “Jon are you ok?” I reached out, grabbing his hand from where it sat on his lap.
He snapped his head back, his eyes coming to rest on my hand before moving up to my face. He looked back down at his hand, flipping it slightly underneath mine; his thumb gently caressing my skin, before he pulled away. “Jon?” I asked softly, trying to discern his cool demeanour.

“I should head out…” He said quickly, standing up from the table. “Hey guys… I’m gonna go… I just remembered that we have that charity event tomorrow. I’ll see you guys later.” He turned around and took off; not bothering to listen to any protests.

“I’ll be right back.” I said to Adam, not bothering to turn around as I took of after Jon.


I followed him out of the bar and onto the street; to find him leaning his forehead against the brick wall of the building. “Jon…” I said softly, coming up beside him.

He jumped slightly and turned to face me. “What are you doing here Ryker? Adam…”

“Adam’s fine by himself. What’s wrong?”

He exhaled sharply, and tilted his head; staring at me intently, like he was about to say something. He shook his head instead and turned away. “I should go…”

I stood there unmoving, stunned; as I watched him walk away. He got half a block before I took off after him. “Jon, wait! Just tell me what’s going on… what do you need?” He stopped abruptly then, turning on the spot to grab me in his hands as I finally caught up to him. “Tell me what you want…”

I felt foolish, helpless, pathetic as I stared up at him. I hated feeling so inferior to him; but I was, and I knew it. Here he was with his expensive, tailored, pressed suit and me - with my hand me down, used, dress. “Those things don’t matter… just go away Ryker, leave me alone.” He glared at me with intense eyes and I felt my face flush. His voice was dead, completely drained of emotion when he spoke. This fact alone upset me to the point of hot tears cascading down my cheeks. I turned away then, not wanting Jon to see me cry. “Ryker…” He sighed, pulling me back around to look at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be an ass…”

I looked up at him - his head hung in shame - as I moved towards him. “It’s ok.” I said softly, pulling him into a hug. I stretched up on my toes so that I could nestle my face into his neck; clutching at him tighter, while he stood ridged. “Jon…” I breathed, drawing a long sigh from him as his arms moved to embrace me.

He held me tightly for a minute before moving away; clearing his throat and then turning to leave. “Charity thing tomorrow… girlfriends and wives are invited so… I guess I’ll see you then.”

“You never told me what was wrong Jon…” I said softly, grabbing onto his arm. “Please, let me help… whatever it is…” I need to know, I need to do something.

“You know how you asked me what I wanted, and what I needed?” I nodded slowly, not sure where he was going with his question. “What if I know the answer to them, but I can’t have both?”

I shrugged my shoulders in response. “What makes you think you can’t have them both? What are they?” He bit his lip as his brow began to furrow. “What do you want Jon?”

“I want you, to be happy, safe, protected...” He said simply, quietly; shaking his head as he reached out to trace the side of my face with his fingers.

My voice caught in my throat as I nodded slowly. “What do you need?” When he didn’t answer me I reached out and gently squeezed his arm, encouraging him to continue.

“You. I need you for myself…” He said it so quietly, that I doubted what I had heard. “And I don’t know what to do about it. I should just walk away, but I can’t.”

He brought his eyes up to mine, “I don’t understand… why can’t you have both?”

“They’re not compatible, did you not just hear me Ryker? I’m talking about my team-mates girlfriend… you’re with him, and all I can think about is how badly I need you for myself. It’s irrational and uncalled for; I can’t do this to him… I can’t do this to you. I’m sorry… it was a mistake to come here tonight.”

He took a step away from me, his hands out in front of him; whether in a sign of defeat or a silent plea for me to let him leave - I wasn’t sure. “They’re the same thing Jon… what you want and what you need… they fit together. I’m not sure either one can exist without the other, actually...”

“I’m sorry…” He brought a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes in absorption as I watched him mutter to himself.

He wasn’t saying anything to me, but he also wasn’t running away; I took a tentative step towards him, hoping. “Adam’s a good person… but it’s not… when I’m with him it’s not…” I shook my head, trying to find the word I was looking for, the one that would make him understand.

“…it’s not passionate.” He finished meekly, letting his hand drop back down to rest at his side.

“No. It’s not passionate.” I nodded in agreement as we continued to stand in our impasse. He stared up into his eyes, seeing nothing but pain and confusion. I wanted to turn around and leave; I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t my intention to come between two friends and be the cause of so much hurt; but I couldn’t stop myself. “I don’t want to be with him. I’m not really sure why I am… he just… is always there and, I don’t want to be awful and tell him I’m not interested but- I’m not. I should be I mean, he’s great but… every time he tries to touch me, I think about you, and I feel disgusted. Every time I’m around him… I wish I was with you.”

He took a step towards me, until I could feel his body pressing against mine. He cupped my face in his strong hands, tilting me towards him. “We can’t…” He began, giving me a sad smile.

“I know…” I exhaled softly, trying to blink away the tears before they started again. ”I know, but… I just thought you should know.”

He kissed the top of my head firmly before releasing his hold. He stepped back and looked over my shoulder. “You should get back inside Ryker, it’s freezing out.” I nodded as he turned around and walked away from me.

I watched him walk determinately off, by himself; his head hung slightly and his hands pushed deep into his pockets.
He never looked back, but that didn’t stop my own sad smile from spreading across my face. I would never have Jon, but at least he knew how I felt; and at least I know that I wasn’t alone with the feelings.

I turned around and headed back to the bar; a mixture of happiness and revulsion spreading through my body. I was happy that Jon cared about me, at least somewhat, but I was mad at myself over Adam.
He had never done anything to me but be a complete gentleman, and here I was, my heart breaking over one of his friends. They were friends, and I was coming in between them; perhaps karma would teach me a lesson one day. I wanted this to be simple, easy; but I knew that love wasn't suppose to be like that. After all, wasn't it Shakespeare who said 'the course of true love never did run smooth?'